a bright shadow

i spoke a few days ago about coming home as a theme for advent - and this idea grows in me as i relish coming home from a difficult job. the world of theater, of entertainment so often has a huge push right before the opening of a show. and so it was with the one i just mounted. 15 hour days, living in a hotel, barely time to eat. and for some - this is what they live for i suppose.

not me.

and so i find myself ever grateful for the life i have built - todd and i have built - for ourselves. it is balance of work and play, of family, nature and art, of love and laughter above all. of time spent with. of enjoying. of breath. and again...of love. love spills forth from our home, our partnership, our children.

and where there is love, there is god. dwelling in the midst of us.

if advent is a bright shadow of a grand homecoming yet to be - so is our home.

home. home. home.

christmas music. shining tree. the kids are laughing. about to make a fire. everyone is home. sigh. i am so glad to be home. home i am. i am home. for good.

home

i am home for a day. respite from the circus. the boys have gone to the state semi-final high school football game. one daughter has gone to get lights for the christmas tree we just put up and the other two girls are singing and playing guitar. the dog and i are listening, bathed in the light of advent, of home.

glory, glory.

the way creative works

at least for me...

so i am away with the circus living in the winter quarters as we put up the new show that i wrote. i had no idea that they would be 10 hour days, running together with nary a break and so i brought reading material for my sad evenings alone without todd and the children - i had miniature dreams of accomplishing some other writing - or of christmas shopping or even sending out christmas cards. HA!

my mind and spirit are on this creation for 10 hours every day - even tho there are 14 more before the sun goes around, there is no spirit for any other creative output, this isn't sad - just fascinating to me. i am not often confronted with the limit of my creativity - usually i can wiggle in one more thing - one more thought - one more idea - just give me a minute. but i guess it doesn't really work that way. creativity needs rest, rejuvenation, time to replenish. i know this as a concept - but it has never be so evident as in this reality.

and so i throw myself into the creative process of the circus - and wait. there must be stories lurking inside this process - i will get to them later...

isn't advent about...

belonging?

coming home?

the journey to love?

it's funny, i am unable to move from the physical confines of circus rehearsals (i am their show writer for the next production) and yet i am on some sort of journey to jerusalem. i have been afraid of god for the better part of three years and yet i find myself returning, coming home. i have planted my feet outside the city of faith, and yet somehow, i am slowly belonging again inside it.

i love advent for its message of hope - for me jesus is becoming again the symbol of love - not because he died as a religious sacrament - but because he was willing to say yes to a love greater even than his own life. i wear a necklace every day - it has a quote on it from mother teresa: "love is a fruit in season at all times and within reach of every hand."

every hand. every jew, every muslim, every christian, every hindu...all. as it says in the book, "christ died for all." o that the city of faith could be free with that and not claim exclusive rights. exclusivity is the opposite of advent. if advent is about belonging and coming home and a journey of love - if it is truly for the exiles - then i, like "all" can come.

and so i do. in fact i say to all, come - o come emmanuel. god with us.

i am woman...

...hear me roar!

i am in the midst of so much that it is easy to feel the crunch. but instead of crumbling i am roaring! i have stories being looked at, a novel being considered, work at disney today and a circus to go finish starting thursday!

i cannot imagine the stories that might be inspired by elephants and lions and circus performers...and my kids get to come see the show! whoopeeeeeeeee!

thankful disasters

so it's thanksgiving morning and i've been up since 5am. for our family crew of over 20 i make the pies. its my job. i make an apple pie that is usually about 5 inches tall - a pumpkin pie that weighs several pounds and sometimes a pecan. i confess i cheat. i buy refrigerator crust made by pilsbury.

however, this year there was no pumpkin in the stores so i made butternut squash pie. okay. thats cool. but they were also out of crust so this year i had to make my own. now no one cares about the crust on the pumpkin pie i made last night - but a big flakey crust on my enormous apple is a must. i made that this morning.

i've made crust before - my grandmother (no kidding) taught me how, but i haven't made it since you could get it soft and rolled out in a box next to the pop 'n' fresh rolls in the fridge section. sigh. i tried butter, i tried shortening and i tried a mix of both. none of them were easy to work with so i did a lattice work top instead of my normal full crust on the apple. now i am worried about the filling. how will it do uncovered?

after i put the big apple in the oven, i stood in the kitchen making coffee and i was pleased to realize that i knew they were just pies. just pies. they mean nothing about who i am or my value as a human being. not that long ago i would have cried over the failure of my thanksgiving offer. this morning i almost did...then i laughed and gave thanks over my progress instead.